Zorak Can You Help Me With My Homework

One particular "Nugget of Joy" section laced with Blatant Lies

Zorak: Once, there was a very nice green mantis whose name was…err, his name is not really important. So anyways, one day while Space Gh-while somebody was taking a nap, this mantis borrowed the Phantom Cruiser and took it for a little spin. I-uh, he was making a loop around the Crab Nebula-also known as Dead Man’s Curve-when this stinkin’ salvage vehicle comes out of nowhere and blindsides me! Err, him! No turn signal! Nothing! Sheesh!

Space Ghost: Hold it! Did you swipe the Phantom Cruiser during my nappy time?

Zorak: Swipe? I borrowed it. I was bringing it back.

Space Ghost: And you cracked it up?!

Zorak: Cracked it up? Nooo…I wouldn’t say that. It’s more like, uh…I DEMOLISHED IT!


Zorak: Hey, you’ve got spacecraft insurance, right?

Space Ghost: Yeah! And you’ve got explosion insurance, right?!

Zorak: Uh, hang on I’ll check my coverage-

{Zorak screams as Space Ghost zaps him.}

One segment featuring a familiar guest star

Zorak: Hey you! Hey! Mack!

Space Ghost: To whom are you addressing?

Zorak: I’m addressing you, Chief. Come on over here, I’ll punch your lights out for ya!

SG: What?

Zorak: Come on, come on. Put ‘em up! Put ‘em up! Put ‘em up! Come on, roll that loose caboose on over! I’ll give it a swift kick!

SG: Maybe I don’t feel like it.

Zorak: Maybe ‘cuz you’re chicken! {He makes bawking sounds.}

SG: Stop it.

Zorak: Make me!

SG: {snidely} You’re already made and what a mess! Ha ha ah-ha!

Brak: What are you guys arguing about?

Zorak: Stay out of it, totem pole! I’ll hit ya so hard, you’ll grow old bouncing!

Brak: What?

Zorak: I’ll smack ya so hard your grandkids’ll have headaches!

Brak: They will not!

Zorak: Will too!

Brak: Shut up!

Zorak: Make me.

Brak: Make yourself, if you feel like it.

Zorak: What if I don’t want to?!

Brak: Then you don’t have to! Have a nice day!

Zorak: You’re so stupid, you can’t even argue!

Brak: [What sounds like “You tickle/giggle over!”]

Zorak: What the-

SG: Alright, settle down!

Brak: He started it!

SG: {through gritted teeth} Well, I’m ending it.

Zorak: Hey, put a sock in it, Porky!

SG: Alright, that’s it! {He readies his power band.}

Zorak: I ain’t afraid of your little popgun!

SG: {humored} Is that right?

Zorak: Yeah, that’s right. Come on, Myrtle! Give me your best shot!

Brak: {despaired} Oh my goodness! What are we arguing about?! Look at what we’ve become!

SG: {He sighs.} Brak’s right. We’re acting as grouchy as we do on that other show.

Cut to Moltar in his control room.

Moltar: Ah, quit your whining, Space Joke.

Zorak: [surprised] Moltar? What are you doing here? You’re not on this show!

Brak: You’re not allowed!

Moltar: This is Space Ghost Coast to Coast?

Brak: It most certainly is not!

Moltar: Well, the way you guys were ripping into each other, I figured that, uh, hey-

Brak: You figured wrong! Get your grubby self out of here!

Moltar: Oh, buzz off, motormouth!

Zorak: Hey, rustbucket! Stop picking on Brak!

SG: All of you, go to your rooms NOW!

Zorak leaps out of his prisoner pod and hops offscreen.

Moltar: Bunch of sissy boys. {He walks offscreen.}

Brak: I can’t go to my room. I’m not animated to do that!

SG: Well, just sit there and…sit there.

The Opening theme to Zorak's Helpful Hints, which ironically were anything but:

Zorak: Got a problem? I'm listening...

Space Ghost: The kids at school don't like me...

Brak: My girlfriend says I smell!

Space Ghost: The teacher says I'm lazy...

Brak: Sometimes, I wanna yell!

Chorus:Zorak, can you help me?!

Zorak: Sure, kid. Tell me all about it. Now what's the problem?

Space Ghost: This mask is really itchy...

Brak: My underwear's too tight!

Space Ghost: No one understands me...

Zorak: Yeah, right.

  • One Helpful Hints segment has a kid saying they didn't want to do homework. Zorak responds by bluntly noting that the kid will probably drop out of school and have to work a terrible job. This gets the kid to reconsider.

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